Dear on Praew

It's just cancer. So what? It can't ruin my whole life. I'm telling you... I will survive!!!

I don't want to know you.

December 1, 2004

I have found a tiny thick headed suspicious lump underneath of my skin at the upper part of my right breast. Though I got mammogram check in May, I felt I would need it again. I called Praram 9 hospital to make an appointment.

The mammogram check was done quickly, but...

“Khun Sudrak ka, can we do it again?”
What? I grabbed my friend’s hand and felt like having flies in my stomach.
I signed and said, “OK”.

I followed that lady to the mammogram room once again, and then had an ultrasound check with the doctor. The physician said I was found having a new “suspicious” 1.2x1x1 cm tumor. She recommended me to get rid of it ASAP.

“ Can I see Dr. Eakpot? I want to consult my doctor for the second opinion.”

I went to see Dr. Eakpot at his office and get another check up. He confirmed the result that this tumor was really “suspicious” and recommended to get it “removed” ASAP as well. I then agreed to take action. The next step was then to meet the surgeon tomorrow 11h00. I walked to see my friend and started to weep.

I grabbed his hand and said, "Pup, it's a suspicious tumor. I'm chicken out.".

I called my parents. They were shocked as expected, either did I. I began to weep and finally busted into tears. I walked back to the doctor and cried with him. He was so patient to calm me down with facts and emotional support, and told me to take a rest to get the energy for tomorrow.

When I reached home, I cried as if I could not cry again. Until there was no more tear, I then started to think.

“This tumor is actually my own cell. It just gets freak. And if it is going to ask my other cells to gang up and betray me, it has to get away. Well, that makes sense. The logic is correct.”

I was too tired now and really should take a rest.

What will be, will be.

In the operation room

I woke up with full energy then meditated for more piece of mind. I told myself to get ready for the operations. For the past few months, I have been watching “The Extreme Make Over” and “The Swan”. Each operation seemed to take not-so-long recovery. I supposed to meet my parents at the reception hall. I drove to the hospital alone as my brother was still in his room. My parents went to meet the surgeon with me. The surgeon took another check up. I didn’t want to see the needle getting near my breast. There was blood in the slink.
“Are you ready to get rid of it?” asked the surgeon.
“Of course”, I replied.

I walked with a brave heart to have my blood check then to the operation room on the 5th floor. I had no worry as I understood those facts why the operation must take place. My dad seemed to be pretty worried. I hugged my dad and my mom then I followed the nurse to the operations room.

It was not as scary as I imagined. The operation room looked pretty much like from the TV programs in the states. I wandered around those healthcare equipments and asked the nurse who seemed to be quite nice to release my curiosity. Until she felt the conversation was to get into too much medical term, she then got back to telling me what I would have been through in this operation.

“We will start with cleaning the skin surface area. You will feel chilled a little.”
“Next, we will …”
I wondered if this was meant to get the patient release from panic or to remind them about the operations procedure…hahaha… Sorry for this devil thought…

“According to the CRM bible, this is considered the moment of truth which the patient, or in other word the customer, get his direct experience from the touch point. The satisfaction might keep the customer stay and the dissatisfaction might make the customer consider switching the brand. And I just want to tell Praram 9 hospital management board that from this moment of truth, I feel I am in good hands.”

I kept having the conversation with the doctor during the operation. I just thought it could help release the tense and my curiosity. Normally, when I got to see the dentist, I felt so much tensed. I did not like the environment with the doctors, the small room and the sound of the dental equipments. I did not like to open my mouth for so long and hear the dental equipments wandering in my mouth. I would feel so tensed all over and turn pale as if I was hanging chicken at the Pratunam chicken rice restaurant.

Now back to the operation, I asked the doctor if I could at least see the removed tumor before it would be sent to the lab. It looked like the “Nam Kor Gai” - the famous seasoned chicken joint from Chiangmai. I then totally lost my appetite for this food. No more “Nam Kor Gai”!!! I changed my clothes and left the operation room to meet my family. The doctor was talking to my family. My dad felt less worried now. I guessed the doctor probably told them how the operation went.

Later we walked to the cashier counter to settle the payment. It was round a bit over ten grand. I saw myself could still walk so I called my client that I would be OK for the meeting in Chiangmai on the next day. I just thought if I could still walk by myself, I could still work. The meeting was important as it was a project kick off and that my client had confirmed the meeting arrangement with many VIPs there.

We went back to our place and later I packed my pug puppy‘s thing and drove her to the dog hospital. She would have to stay there while I would be gone to Chiangmai to work.

Post Operation

At night, I felt the pain from the operation. I babbled with my mom. She gave me the positive energy then I grabbed a Tylenol and went to bed. My flight to Chiangmai is the earliest flight and I must reach the airport at 6 in the morning.

I reached the airport at 5. The airport was packed as it was a long holiday. I began to walk like a handicapped. My shoulder was getting unbalanced and I was turning pale. Yeah, it was hurt. Once the plane landed, I on my cell phone to hear so many caring voices.

“ Are you OK, dear?” , that was the call from my dad.
“Don’t tell me you are now in Chiangmai! You are crazy!”
“Hello Aunty Dear. I am taking my family to Chiangmai too. Uh huh. Uh huh. Bye.”
“P’ Dear, how are you?

My client assigned his driver to pick me up. Once reached Ban Wang Tan, I changed my clothes quickly and ready for the team briefing. I got three meeting today; the first was the meeting with the team in Chiangmai, the second and the third were with the Chiangmai VIPs. I felt better after taking breakfast and some food supplements.

The first meeting went well. I began to get bad shape since the beginning of the second meeting. I felt painful. There was once I passed out for a short while. I thought my client would notice that. He actually knew what I went through yesterday.

When came the third meeting, I could not help pretending I was OK any more. I turned really pale as if I was to faint. Lucky that the people we met in the meeting was the former hospital director. He managed to subscribe me and gave me a set of pain reliever.

I got worse at night. I said to myself if tomorrow I got even worse, I would ask my client’s permission to stay at my friend’s place in San Sai. After the dinner, I went to bed soonest as I want to charge my life battery.

Finally, we meet.

It was a fresh morning. I had a good sleep last night and now ready to rock. I asked my client’s driver if he could drop me at Doi Saket to meet my AFS friend. Later, we join the other two Montfort guys to wander around Chiangmai. My AFS friend’s son was a nice lovely boy. I enjoyed hanging around with the kid. It made me forget my pain for a while.

At night, I got a call from my dad. He said something like he wanted me to go home to discuss about something. I sensed some thing weird. I called my brother and asked if he knew what it was. My brother finally told me that dad got the tumor result from the doctor. It was a cancer. He wanted me to go home to discuss about the cure plan.

I felt lost again. I started to weep and busted out loud. I called my 2 Montfort friends telling them to come to see me at Ban Wang Tan. They were well prepared, came shortly with some good food and a Dharma book. I hugged Pup and cried out loud. “Why me?” “Why now”? He calmed me down and walked me to my bed. He told me to get a rest and he would be outside with Ob. In fact, they got something else to do. They had been watching NFL for the whole night.

After Pup left the bedroom, I cried till no more tear for breast cancer. I woke up in the morning and then began to get to meet “my” breast cancer officially in front of the mirror.

“Hi Breast cancer, though you are actually my cells and blood, you're freak and even want to gang up with others to ruin my body system. You 're such a jerk. You can’t stay here, with me, in my body.”

I walked out of the bed room to see how the guys were doing. One was aleeping and snoring out loud; the other was enjoying his NFL. Normally, whenever there was a soccer game, Pup’s first priority would be the game, not me. I would just be not noticeable, subsisting in the air. Maybe this time, he knew I was really lost. He then put me on his priority… yeah… but just this time.

My client’s driver was so kind as to prepare breakfast for us. He also cheered me up telling I was still young and there was a chance that I got cured. After the nice breakfast, we said goodbye to the driver and his 2 puppy dogs, headed to my friend’s house in San Sai.

I felt inattentive but at least I was physically recovering. My friends were worried that they did not want me to be alone. Ob’s mom told Pup to take me to see Chiangmai Night Safari while it was still free entering before the official open which they would charge. We went to jog soon after at the park near his house at Huay Gaew. He jogged and I did Taichiquan.

And on the next day, I flew back to Bangkok to face the real world.

I will survive.

Once landed to Bangkok airport, I headed to Praram 9 hospital to meet the doctor. I wanted to know the “fact” and see the lab result with my eyes.

" Invasive ductal carcinoma with extensive intraductal component, at least Grade II“

Now that I have to dig out those buried Latin I learnt.”Ductal” and “Carcinoma”. I did not want to hear them. I learnt Latin during my high school…and I faced it again at 32. Phew!

The doctor suggested it has to be removed wider or the whole breast if necessary. The lymph nodes at the underarm area would be removed as well. If I agreed with the plab, I would then be forwarded to me the surgeon. Oh no! I did not want to hear this word too, “ Remove”.

Once back home, I emailed all fact I got to my AFS friend who was a surgeon working in the states now. My friend recommended me to direct to his senior friend at King Chulalongkorn Memorial Hospital. Later I knew from his senior friend that though my friend was a surgeon, he forwarded his grand ma, his mom, his sister and me to this doctor.

Two days later, my other AFS friend and I came to see the senior doctor friend’s friend. If you were to come to King Chulalongkorn Memorial Hospital, you have to be really concern about the queuing. Though I got here at 6 in the morning, my queue was number 113. However, luck was still at my side. There was a man sitting behind me gave me his queue card. He said “You should take this queue. I happen to take 2 queue cards.”

I said to me “Normally, if you get promoted, 2 levels would already considered a jackpot. This is promoting from 113 to 21, oh happy day!”.

Once met the doctor, he checked me up again and finally gave me 3 alternatives

Choice 1 : Remove the right breast and the lymph nodes at the underarm.
Choice 2 : Remove the former operated area wider and remove the lymph nodes at the underarm.
Choice 3 : Remove the right breast and the lymph nodes at the underarm. Follow with a breast reconstruction

I had choice. Life still treated me well. I chose choice 2 at first (Later I changed to choice 3) as I thought at least with the rest of the right breast I could still feed the baby if I was going to have one. (I concerned about this though this would be something in the future.) I got the operations queue on December 15 which meant a week away. Alright, I would eat well and sleep well for the upcoming operations. But by the way, since the morning, there were only pao and chicken essence soup in my stomach. My friend and I then went to fill our stomach at the food fusion at Robinson Silom.

Soon after, I sent the news about me getting cancer and going for the operations to my friends around the world. I got so many caring phone calls and emails from them. My head got blur after speaking many languages on and on about the same thing.

Most of my AFS friends said “ You will be alright. You always die hard.”
I replied “ I will survive”.
“Look at Lance Armstrong. He doesn’t look like a man with cancer at all. He is so fit and he won Tour de France. He launches the “ Livestrong” yellow wrist bands and sells around the world. He says “I want to live”. Me, as usual, you know my song. Gloria Glaynor is always with me.

I will survive.

Should I turn the problem into an opportunity?

Most of my friends made fun of this situation. They told me,

“ Since you are to lose you breast. Why not tell the plastic surgeon to get you 36 inches.”
“Turn the problem into an opportunity, Dear.”
“Don’t forget to go for 36 inches.”

C’mon! But…um…good suggestion! Just ask the doctor. But nah!

When it came to the result after the operations, Michael Angelo, oups! The surgeon team had done a perfect job.

“My reconstruction looked so real. Look at the dark side, I lost my right breast. But look at the bright side, it looks so real and only a few people would see anyway.”

Fool me!

One of my AFS friends called me three days before the operations. This guy has been practicing Dharma at Wat Ampawan for years. He recommended me to manage with cancer in the Dharma way.

“Losing your flesh and blood is going to be too much. If you are to fight with it, the Dharma way should be wise.”

And that was the beginning of me learning “ Mor-ra-na-nu –sti”.


I got admitted to the hospital on December 14. The room I booked was yet available so I had to stay at the board room temporarily. I thought I was quite well prepared to stay at the hospital, but not in the board room at Arthorn building.

It had something to do with the name. I did not know the story of the building, but the name “Arthorn” leaded me to the government’s project to help the poor. In the communications field, there was one type of arts called “Naming”. When we were to name one product, it was created, screened and selected from numbers of name submission. In 1999, when I was still working for HP, the board of management (in the US) decided to spin off the company and realigned the Test & Measurement Organization and Life science unit to another company. The employees around the world were encouraged to participate in entering the new company name. Someway and somehow, it did not work. Finally, we got the company name “Agilent Technolpogies” from the naming agency. Naming had a lot to do with the identity and the brand. It has been considered one of the expensive jobs in my field.

The board room at Arthorn building was pretty clean. There were 2 small toilets and 1 bath room to share with 20 people. I was lucky to get the corner bed with more space compared to the others. Putting aside the ego and self-center, staying here would be quite cost effective. The room rate was 50 Baht, 3 meals a day for 50 Baht and the operations cost for 400 Baht.

After changing the clothes into the patient’s uniform, I began to be emotionally sick. Hard to believe that this patient’s uniform really could affect me. I lost my brave heart and started to need help.

“Hey… I’m so blue.”

“LeQ, can you get me some books.”

“P’ Daeng, I want to eat Gra-prao-pla.

“Ob, it’s so boring here.”

In the evening, my friends came to visit me to see how I was to survive in the new environment. They also brought me some good food. Yeah…to me…eating is always my first priority.

I told the doctors I wanted to change my mind to remove the whole breast and have plastic surgery done at the same time. Those doctors tried to convince me to keep the breast when the chance was there. I did not want to keep it because I still had 2 other cysts at the lower part of the right breast. If I got cancer again, I have to come to the hospital over and over. They then called their team leader – Dr. Rattaplee and later they told me they would forward me to meet Dr. Apichai - the plastic surgeon on Monday.

The nurses called every patient in the board room for a briefing on the operations queue. The presentation was somewhat with an A4 album. It would be more interesting with presentation tools. (I wish I could give them a training on “Presentation techniques”, if that was asked!)

I was put into the last queue due to my case, age and physical health. The nurse later called for the shaving queue. I got shave around my under arm and right breast. It was ticklish. Then the queue for evacuation to clear away the stool. And the last queue was to fast all water and meal until the operation time on the next day. My senior friend – Hia Jiu who I had not meet since my graduation day a decade ago, came to see me after his work. He insisted to see me before the operation with a good intention to help me relieve the tense and be ready for whatever would happen next. It was glad he came at the right time when I needed a guiding light.

That night, I prayed, meditated and while I was about to hit the sack, there came the troop of mosquito. I had an evil thought that I might have malaria as a free gift. I began to realize the use of the fan available for each patient. It was meant to blow the mosquito away. I saw the lady at the opposite bed use the badminton shape mosquito killing tool. The moment when she waved just once, the sound of the mosquito got electric shot was like the sound of the M16 gun firing. Um…she was quite well prepared.

I just used the fan to blow away the mosquito. I did not want to kill any lives, at least not before losing my flesh and blood.

I woke up at 4. Because the board room members were tensed, they broke the tranquility with the topic “I’m so worried”. “Oh, no! Please don’t do this to me!”

I tried to get back to sleep. I on my music player in my mobile phone and played the chanting music, on and on till I slept. I woke up again at 6. Ah, there came my parents and my aunt. Till late morning, a lot of patients still discussed about they got tensed with the operation. There was one aunty who was in the moving bed for the next operation queue. I walked pass her and she grabbed my hand.

“You haven’t had your operations yet?”
“Not yet, ma’am. I’m supposed to be the last.”
“I am at the next queue. I’m so worried. I ‘m so tensed.”
“You are in good hands. No worry. Can you take a deep breath? Long deep breath in, long breath out.”
“Um…I’ll try. Um…yeah I can.”
“OK. Let us do it one more time. Long deep breath in, long breath out.”
“That’s good.”
“I will walk you to lift, OK? Long deep breath in, long breath out.”


That aunty held my hand tight until we arrived at the lift. At least I felt I could be helpful somehow. That was Anapana-sti breathing meditation. That meditation tip I got from my meditation course with Pra Ajarn Mitzuo Kavesago at the Young Buddhist Association of Thailand.

It was almost 2pm now. I started to be really starving. I excused my parents to get a nap so that I could forget the hunger. I saw those patients who were taken from the operations room still unconscious. They were pale. I began to lose my brave heart. This was unlike when Dr. Mu operated my mom 2 years ago. 2 hours after the operations, my mom could walk to the rest room by herself.

At 3pm, Dr. Kittipong called the nurse to pass me the message that my operations would be postponed due to there was an urgent emergency accident case. Lord Buddha helped me! In fact, I did not want to be in the 13th queue too. I began to be so scared of this number. The doctors themselves also worked in the operations room since early morning. They must also be really tired. Oh… and I was very starving too. I told Dr. Kittipong when he came to see me later at 5, “no need to apologize, it’s more than forgiven.” I asked him if I could be taken a weekend leave to go home if my operation was put to next week. He approved and arranged a meeting for me to meet the plastic surgeon on Monday.

“See, the law of timing.” When it came my time to get operations, I would have an operation. My time was just not yet coming. I would go to have my quality time with this weekend break then “I will be back! (from the movie - Terminator 2)”.

Nurture the mind

Once I got away from the hospital, I spent my life as if I was “ being controlled”. Eating good food has always been my first priority. I went to Nom Mont, Pratoo Phee for yentafo, Siam square for Somtamnua, and many places to fulfill my stupid requirement that I thought I would not be able to freely do that at least during seven days after my operations.

When the stupid need was fulfilled, there came back my consciousness. I said to myself “I was chicken out because I only physically well-prepared. I totally forget to get my “mind” ready for the operations too.” I called my younger brother and mentioned to him I wanted to nurture my mind. My brother suggested me talking to Khun Vivat at the Young Buddhist Association of Thailand – Pratumthani center. Khun Vivat approved my request. I let my friend know where I would be. I packed my Vipassana clothes, kissed my fat pug goodbye then headed to YBAT.

During that time, there was a Vipassana class for the monks. I was given the space at the other Dharma Sala. My Dharma need was arranged as I would really be alone in that building. The room, the food and everything was properly set.

I set my goal that I wanted to be really well nurturing my mind. After the Dharma class wth Pra Acharn Prajak, I came back to the Dharma Sala and was with myself the whole 2 nights. I thought about the truth of life, the four noble truths and learnt from them. It was like a car needed a fix. Everything just made sense. This was the real test of my life. I only focused on nurturing my physical body; eating lots of protein and vitamin, taking proper rest and breathing exercise. I totally ignored to nurture my “mind”. It had to work together. And both had to be strong enough for this test.

When the mind was malfunctioned, the physical body would get malfunctioned as well.
The body got sick when the mind got weak

I began my Vipassana with the chanting and declared my forgiveness. And even those who still yet want to forgive me, I forgive you. I then started my Anapana-sti practice; long deep breath in and long breath out. I have been with myself throughout my night.

Some other people might use other mantras. (As long as you can free your mind and do not annoy others, just do it.) On the last day of my Vipassana, Khun Vivat gave me 20 Dhrama books and 9 Dharma talk CDs. When my friend saw it, he was curios to know if I was going to bring all of them to the hospital. Actually, he had never seen me reading Dharma books. He mostly saw me reading business books.

I downloaded many chanting music into my cell phone. I told my little fat pug to behave well while I would be away. I went to bed earlier as I had to show up at the Arthorn building at 6am tomorrow.

I'm back!

I showed up at Arthorn bldg on time. Took the patient’s uniform from the nurse and got changed. This time I was so ready…for whatever that would happen. Though I was wearing the patient’s uniform, I was not like an unwell people at all. I felt brave and beautiful. (That’s what I thought!) Later I was called to meet Dr. Apichai – the plastic surgeon at Por Por Ror building 6th floor.

Dr. Apichai explained the reconstruction plan, how he was going to make the piece of art – breast conservation and implant the silicone. The operation should take place on the coming Thursday December 22. When I came back to Arthorn building, the nurse told me I now would be relocated to my booking VIP room at Por Por Ror building. Today, luck was at my side. Not only meeting with the professional and nice plastic surgeon, but also got the VIP room I booked.

I have always believed in Newton’s law which was very much like the law of karma; Action equals reaction. At any point of time, it would always be equal. I did well during the weekend, and it paid me off.

Not so long after, I showed up at room 1716 of Por Por Ror building. It was a good view of Silom and Sathorn – the heart of Bangkok Business area. It was good to see the skyscrapers and Silom center where I used to work when I was with OgilvyOne. It was more like sleeping in the city-view condo rather than in the hospital.

Most of my friends were told not to bring me flowers. The main reason was “ It’s not eatable”. So they all brought me good foods which was good for not only the patient to enjoy good food good life, but also for the givers as good foods were not expensive compared to the flower bouquets.

On my first day at room 1716, I got big bouquets of flowers from my client at Hemaraj and my friend at Ogilvy. I sneezed all night. The allergy attacked me badly that I had to ask Ob to get the air purifier from my place. Normally, I was not allergic to flower. I did not know why this time I sneezed and got running nose from these beautiful bouquets. I reported to the doctor as I did not want this to cause any problem for my operations. The doctor smiled and said “Everything would be managed.”

This is for real!

And it came the time I was to have my breast operations…for real. This time, both my body and my mind were ready. Many people taught me to pray mantra before the operation took place. All I remembered was I sang “Doraemon” and I slept.

I got 2 teams of surgeon; the removing team and the reconstruction team. They really made the piece of art though. It looked real and I felt real too. I liked the Dr. Rattaplee and Dr. Apichai. They treated CA breast patient as a woman, not a patient.

The operation took 4 hours. I had been curios to know how the operation went. During my recovery, I tended to watch most the operation and surgery programs to release my curiosity; those TV programs like” The Plastic surgery, The Swan and Before and After.

The recovery

I woke up at late at night with half conscious. I threw off all night. My dad said he was very worried when I was not 100% conscious and was pale after the operation. That was the totally different picture he saw mom after her operation two years ago.

I woke up in the morning by throwing up all over my face. I filled my tanks with congee, fruits, food supplements, a lot of chicken essence and bird nest beverage to compensate when I threw off last night. I exercised my right arm according to the brochure given by the doctor. And action would always be equal to reaction. I pushed myself too hard and the result was it hurt badly. I have learnt to take the middle way according to the Lord Buddha’s teaching.

My AFS friend, Tick, paid a visit with a Taichi tip to help me stretch my right arm. I had still been doing that it many times in a day. Tick has been teaching Taichiquan at Benjasiri Park for charity. He has always been “ Mr. Nice Guy”.
I celebrated the New Year’s Eve with my family in the hospital. I did not have a chance to count down because the medicine made me slept and my brother chanted at my bed side. I woke up again at midnight something as the nurse got me up for the medicine injection.

Tonight, the hospital management board visited each patient’s room to sing the New Year’s song. It was very sweet of them to do that to their patients. Somehow I felt so sorry for them to repeat singing the same song for every patients.

I had been in the hospital for 14 days. The blood drain was kept long to ensure that very little blood drained off. On the day the handsome doctor took the drain off, it was totally painful. Some flesh tissues hung around the drain. It really got my tears, my flesh and my blood. One doctor friend of mine once said not to let the surgeon clean the wound. Most germs were killed by their heavy hands before the alcohol took action. I now agreed with her.

Preparation for Chemotherapy

Have you ever been to the situation when someone told you to turn left and the other told you to turn right?

I was in that situation. But, it was not about the direction, it was about the eating program. I consulted the doctor about what would be best for me. The answer was to eat every good food as I would need to be healthy and ready for the chemotherapy.

I once said to my friend after we visited my cousin, P’ Taktaen who died from liver cancer last November, at her house. She was only 37 and found having cancer at the very final stage. At that time, I had yet been to the cancer moment yet.

“Pup, if I got cancer, just let me eat anything I want”.

I did not lose my appetite. I still enjoyed eating and could eat most of good food. I fed myself with food, fruits, snack and food supplement. If you could eat, please do eat anything you can. Once when the chemo side effect caused you to have taste changed or mouth sores, it would be even hard to eat. I, myself, have drunk many big jars of carrot and apple juice a day and took Protein, Vitamin C, Q10, Folic acid form of capsule, milk, vegetables and fruits.

Dr. Kanchana – the doctor in charge of the Tumor Clinic for my next treatment plan. Due to the fact that I was under 35 years old, the treatment plan was set to prevent the cancer to come back; 6 chemo sessions, 30 radiation sessions and 5 years of hormone treatment. I should call this “my preventive Baby, don’t come back plan”.

I thought I only got stage 1...oh no…the preventive plan came in a combo set. I was not worried about hair loss, but more about my immune system. That would be very much obstacle my work. The agency work was something you would really be with it 24x7 with your heart and soul. I have not yet seen a person with strong mind but weak physical health can climb up to the top in the agency work. My parents told me to relocate to Udornthani so that they could take care of me. How about my pug dog? These and those. I began to worry about my future and that made me blue again.

Life is all about up and down. We could not be always down forever. No one could make us down unless we allow ourselves to be depressed. I did not like to be depressed for too long because it was not fun. Black and blue were not my favorite color. After a short while, I would just tell myself to be “enough” with the down feeling and got back to the brave heart again. I wanted to live and I would be survived. Then I was back to normal with brave heart and good physical health.

The day I had my blood work for the chemotherapy, I was very confident it would come out well. And it was. It was surely because of my good “well-being plan & implementation”.

According to those blood work figures, it was just like I become a healthy person again. Most people always said I did not look like a sick or people with cancer. Of course!

Oh...I'm blue!

When I was not having cancer, the work made me having variety of emotion in a day. During my recovery, I had more free time as I did not work. That free time killed if the mind lost the focus. I watched my emotional status when I was depressed. If the emotion was badly down, the unwanted chemo side effects would come in a combo set all at once on the next day.

Whenever I felt depressed, I used the tool called “the 4 noble truths” that I recalled from the Tripidhaka text I borrowed from a monk at Wat Sraket. The tool worked well to help me get away from the current negative emotion, became more rationale and less emotional.

When my mind was clearer, I got back to read the lecture from the doctors and nurse about my cancer preventive plan, managing the chemo side effect and the chemo care. I followed all instruction and it always worked.

I drank a lot of water and breathed deep and long. I’m a science student. I always remembered that water and Oxygen were the two basic needs for every cell. I drank 4,000cc of drinking water, orange juice, apple juice and carrot juice. I ate everything that I could eat, regularly controlled the way I breathe and I meditated. That’s all I did to nurture my mind.

Deep and long breaths helped a lot. It was actually the Ana-Pa-Na-Sti meditation. It helped monitoring the heart work. When meditation in sitting position was not possible, simple focus on controlling the breathing would be just great.

Post Chemo

It could be my imagination. I felt the attack of the chemo into my body. It was cold as if I got the ice direct to my heart. All my hair was up as if I saw ghosts. My hands were shivering. I felt anxious and irritated. The chemo session started at eleven and ended at two in the afternoon. We got the data that my mom and most of people did not get the side effect not immediately. We then planned to take a flight back to Udorn in the late afternoon instead of staying in Bangkok. I felt dizzy just soon after the session. I thought it might probably because I was hungry. Once arrived at the airport, my dad and I then took the Japanese meals to fill our stomachs.

At 4 pm, I started to feel strongly dizzy and finally vomited as if the water valve was broken. I had spared some vomiting sacks for this. Somehow my best was not even good enough. I totally vomited 13 times; sack by sack 500-1,000 cc each from 4-8pm. I called Ob’s mom and Dr. Kittipong to consult what should I do as thing turned as not planned.

I got worse when I was on the plane. Thanked the Thai International Airways stewardess herewith for lots of vomiting sacks and arranging everything. I hugged the big bottle of drinking water and drank whenever I vomited. Of course, I have always been a type of person who would rather not face the deficit. I felt cold, anxious and irritated along the trip back home.

Once landed, we jumped into mom’s car and headed to Kai Prajaksilapakom hospital. I was there for 3 days 2 nights like a short vacation. I got loaded with both oxygen and NaCL. I couldn’t stand the smell of the food; not even my favorite drink, carrot juice. I vomited whenever I saw many people who‘re not my family. I hated to vomit as I consider the wrong direction to reject fluid. The tummy muscle worked hard and not even got six packs. Er, this is just my thought, not any proven theory though.

After the “short vacation” in the hospital, I did not vomit again. Drinking lots of fresh juice and eating mango helped with the stomach upset. For the mouth sores, the nurse recommended me to rinse the mouth with a mixture of 1 teaspoon of salt in a 200cc of water about four or five times a day.

My doctor told me that the chemo would affect my heart function someway. I still wanted to live. I then consulted her about the work out program. I begun to be more disciplined. I worked out at the gym every Monday to Friday. I walked 30-40 minutes and at the speed 4-6 kh/h which equivalent to approximately 2-2.5 km and biked 2km for 10-20 minutes. Later the big while, I increased the distance to 3-3.5km as it gave more sweat and fun.

There was one day that I felt depressed. The next day, those unwanted chemo side effects all showed up. My face turned obviously dark compared with the color of my neck. My mom was very supportive by laughing at the ideal dark mask on my face. She said I looked like a cat, but I thought I looked more like a pug. I felt down and the side effects attacked, I would greet them nicely by tripling my good food intake and my work out. After four days, most of them would be gone, only a few stayed.

At the week2, my hair began dry and thick like most of men’s hair. There was also some skin complexion change at my legs. According to the lecture, the hair should start to fall on week3. This was Wednesday already and my hair has yet fall.

Today, I went for a blood check. This was the day I felt most depressed. My blood result was very bad. My white blood cells dropped to 2,200. I cried over the phone with P’ Nam and Ob. It was like being knocked to the corner. I felt like I failed the exam though I was very well prepared.

Then came those unwanted side effects. I got hair fall in my palms while I was washing my face in the morning. My nails turned dark and my skin turned yellow pale. Again, my mom laughed and thought I was scrubbing my body with the cumin herb.

I did not worry much about the hair loss as I know it will come back. My art director friend said since I always set the hair trend just considered this as another style I never had before. I also felt hurt at the hair root as if the hair was not mine. Those falling hair came with no hair root. Sometimes, it fell when wind blew. If you had a dog, it was like the season that your dog changed its hair. It fell just like that…a lot. I felt sorry for my grand ma and my friend who mobbed the floor and took out the hair from my cloth for laundry.

I did the experiment with pulling my eyebrow, it did not fall. The hair at the underarm area did fall. I liked that because I had always been lazy to wax.

The greatest love of all

Worrying too much about cancer could make the situation even worse. We have to love ourselves first before we can take good care of ourselves.

I always learnt that the body falls sick when the mind is weak. I compare the chemo side effect I noted from the lecture and the effects I got; mostly they arrive late and not much, except the extreme vomiting after the chemo session. If I felt depressed and even cried badly, the side effects would come fast in a combo set.

We have to be strong and fight with them. Nothing is permanent. They will come and go.

If you cannot always cheer yourself up to be strong all the time, use the power of love from your family. They would always be there for you. I choose not to stay near toxic people that would make me feel even sick. I stay close to my family and good friends. I smile and always be cheerful so that I will not be sticking to the sickness.

Most people say “ Dear, you don’t look like you are sick."
And my answer will always be “Of course, I’m not sick. I just got cancer”.

Author's profile

Sudrak Suwannachairop

Suwannachairop, Sudrak.
I'm not sick. Just got cancer/Sudrak Suwannachairop.

ชั้นไม่ได้ป่วย ชั้นเป็นแค่มะเร็ง
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- The AFS returnee class#28 Quebec, Canada
- The alumna of Satree Rajinuthit, Udornpitayanukul, Seminaire Ste-Marie and Assumption University
- The former Brand Champion and Marketing Communications Specialist/Manager for Corporate Communications, Internal Communications and Public Relations at Hewlett-Packard/Agilent Technologies,
Account Manager for IBM Thailand at Impiric,
CRM Consultant at J Walter Thompson and
Communications Director at OgilvyOne Worldwide
- Founder of Click1 Consulting

Author's note

ฉันไม่กินเหล้า ไม่สูบบุหรี่ ออกกำลังกาย ปฏิบัติธรรม หลับดี กินอร่อย ครอบครัวดี เพื่อนดี งานรุ่งและมีความสุขกับการเลี้ยงปั๊ก วันดีคืนดี ก็บังเอิญก็มาเป็นมะเร็ง แต่อยู่ดี ๆ มันทำให้เป็นมะเร็งไม่ได้หรอกค่ะ มันมีที่มาและที่ไป

คุณแม่ฉันเป็นมะเร็งเต้านม เป็นคนแรกของตระกูล ต้นพันธุกรรมเลยก็ว่าได้ ส่วนฉัน พักผ่อนน้อยเป็นประจำ ทำงานหนัก มีเพื่อนร่วมงานสองคนที่สนิทกันมาก ทำงานด้วยกันมาสิบสองปีแล้ว ชื่อความสำเร็จกับความเครียด เจ้าสองตัวนี้มันร่วมหัวจมท้ายกับฉันตลอด ยิ่งสี่ปีหลังเนี่ย ทำงานเอเจนซี่ ระดับไฟว์สตาร์ เรื่องอยู่ดึกติดกันหลายวันหรือเป็นอาทิตย์ สำหรับคนเอเจนซี่แล้ว เป็นเรื่องปกติ

8 วันหลังวันเกิดปีที่ 32 ต้องมารับรู้ว่าตัวเองเป็นมะเร็งเต้านม ไม่แปลกใจที่เป็น แต่ทำใจลำบากที่มันมาเร็ว เป็นมะเร็งตอนนี้ก็ดีไปอย่างค่ะ สภาพร่างกายและจิตใจมันยังแข็งแรง ถ้าอายุมากกว่านี้ คงลำบาก

วันแรกที่รู้ ร้องไห้จนเหนื่อย เป๋ไปหลายชั่วโมง ทำใจได้เพราะอยู่ใกล้ธรรมะ พอตรองด้วยเหตุและผล มันก็ตอบตรรกะดี ว่าเกิด แก่ เจ็บ ตาย เป็นเรื่องธรรมดาจริง ๆ

ฉันเองเตรียมตัวและเตรียมใจมาค่อนข้างดี เอาประสบการณ์ตรงจากแม่ ความรักจากครอบครัวและกำลังใจจากเพื่อนๆ วิชาความรู้ที่ได้ร่ำเรียนมา สติและปัญญามาใช้เพื่อให้ผ่านบททดสอบแห่งชีวิต

การดูแลตัวเอง ตอนเป็นมะเร็ง ไม่ยากอย่างที่คิด มีเจ็บ มีปวด มีท้อบ้าง เป็นเรื่องปกติ เพราะขนาดตอนไม่เป็นมะเร็ง วัน ๆ ยังมีหลายอารมณ์ ล้มแล้วต้องลุกค่ะ มีลงมันก็ต้องมีขึ้น มันไม่ลงตลอดกาลหรือขึ้นตลอดไป

ถ้าไม่ป่วยซักครั้ง ฉันจะไม่รู้ว่า ความไม่มีโรคเนี่ย มันเป็นลาภอันประเสริฐจริง ๆ

ไม่ยอมแพ้ค่ะ

ก็ดูสารรูปฉันสิคะ เหมือนคนป่วยซะที่ไหน ก็บอกแล้วไงคะว่า
“ชั้นไม่ได้ป่วย ชั้นแค่เป็นมะเร็ง”

สุดรัก สุวรรณชัยรบ